What happens when things don't go as plan? When conflict arises and when the unexpected scenario come to existent? Are you going to sit there and whine about it, or are you going to formulate a plan and do something about it?

When that happens, we can either (i) stay crestfallen or bellyache about it or (ii) figure out and take action. If we decide to do the former, then things are not going to change. They're going to be stagnant and the challenges will remain. If we have a choice to improve them and face our adversity, we should do so - because sooner or later, we will have to go through hardships. Conflicts are not going to disappear magically. In fact, not facing it soon will prolong feelings of negativity such as stress, unhappiness, anger, and as well as being in the state of constant anxiety.

Take a deep breath, assess the situation and formulate a plan that will help you to get through and over things effectively. Don't rush the process because we all go at a different pace to digest information, deal with things and to heal. "The sooner the better," we think. It is true, yes, the sooner the better - but the effectiveness of solutions matters even more than the speed in processing the resolution of things.

Remember, only you can help yourself because it's your life. You're in charge of your own life and you have the power to control your own thoughts. No one else can. Not your parents, siblings, best friends or even your partner. Sure, we can share our problems with them and they can give us advices or let us know their point of view in things but ultimately, the decision is in our hand. We decide what to do, the point of action we are taking in the course.

So child, do not be despair, but rather strengthen yourself because you can. Whining about things doesn't work. Doing something about it does. Don't rush through things though, dust your pants and pick yourself up from the ground, because you have the strength to do so. Although things may be rough, I believe you're able to do whatever you set your mind towards. Think about it, God will not allow things to happen to you unless he knows that you are able to grow from it and unless he entrust you with it. He knows that you are going to be alright because He is there for you, and because you are able. You're strong. You're capable enough.

So, get ready to stand up and fix yourself as you are growing. Don’t dwell in situations, instead rise up.

Slowly, in your own pace because small progress is still progress.

This time last year, everything was so different. I would have never imagined things to be better than I had expected.

This time last year, I got homesick so often and had the strong urge to return home, to Penang. I booked air ticket back home but hesitated on leaving because I had just started to enjoy my time in Singapore. Little did I know, staying in my comfort zone didn't help me very much. Mundaneness maddened my soul. I vowed to never stop being adventurous and learn in life.

This time last year, I wasn't sure of what I wanted to do in life, which direction I was heading to, and wasn't as motivated as I am today. I was confused of my situation, of why I was where I was, and of my own sense of direction in life. My grades weren't as good and I wasn't able to manage my time well. Contrary to that however, my results have improved significantly this semester. I've discovered my goal and am focusing on achieving that. 

This time last year, you weren't in my life and I'm glad I saved myself for you. I'm glad I didn't settle for anyone else and waited for your presence. Having you in my life is such a blessing. You said your wish is to make me happy but you're my happiness. You are, and you will always be.

This time last year, my thoughts weren't as mature as it is today. It's a fact that we are all constantly growing and I've evolved through all the though situations. It's amazing how fast I've been maturing by moving out and coming overseas alone. I'm growing, and I'm embracing independence.

A couple of days ago, I woke up in the “a.m.” with cold sweat and in poor spirits. My thoughts were in disarray as I lay flat on my bed. The night before exhausted me. I just wanted to shut my heavy eyelids and dream a sweet dream. It's unfortunate though, the fact that dreams are of our unconscious and that we cannot revisit them.

Freud proposed that dreams are significant psychic events that take place "below the surface" in the unconscious mind, hidden messages from the unconscious. He explained such events have both symbolic and actual importance.

Flashback struck me and my mind recalled that dream... It started in the mental institution, and I was a clinical psychologist in my mid-twenties. Long story short, there was a well-known and respected senior doctor with me as I was searching for someone urgently and my heart was beating fast. "Where is he?" I muttered breathlessly.

The entire hospital was in chaos. Many patients were noticeably terrified, screaming and running around aimlessly. I could see doctors and nurses panicking and arguing furiously about the situation they were facing. The bright fluorescent lights continued to flicker and the yellow lights were dramatically dimmed. Glass articles shattered upon hitting the floor. The resulting shards that were strewn across the floor caused shedding of blood from stepping on it. No one was in the right state of mind.

It was as if everyone succumbed to animalism, as if I was in a horror house. I was still looking for this boy. In my memories, he was targeted by the previously mentioned senior doctor and apparently, he wanted to kill the young innocent teenager. What for? I couldn't decipher the reasons, but all I knew is that I had to find this lad and bring him to safety, to an unknown place where nobody could find us. My feet brought me to the janitor's room and I saw him sleeping there, soundlessly amidst all the horror. I woke him up and told him we had to go. His eyes were pooled with feelings of lost and he narrowed his eyes, "Where to?” It wasn't like I could tell him he's in danger, because then I'll have to explain to him so much in so little time. This boy, I recalled, had a special place in my heart. It would hurt me to see his pained face if he knew someone was out for his life.

I pressed my lips together a moment, then made eye contact with him, "We're going home."

"Really?" He was elated and beaming with joy. It was funny, how by hearing the word 'home' makes his face light up instantly.

"Let's." I said more gently as I took his hands.

He nodded, "Okay," and we ran for our lives. Different emotions visibly plastered on our face. He was joyful and I was still terrified.

Moments later, when we were at the lobby of the institution, making our exit, I saw him. The bald doctor was looking at us smugly, he put his hands behind him. He had a syringe with him, I knew. His eyes fixated on the boy with such intensity. I could feel him burning in anger.

I couldn't remember much then, but all I knew was him pressing my fingers tightly with his and I didn't know why I couldn't move an inch. It hurts (but I obviously don't feel the pressure) but I wasn't moving and allowing him to do so. Why? The boy that held my hands ran away and were chased by the others. But why was I still there helplessly?
Source:
Unconscious Mind

I honestly don't know what to say when I heard them telling me that. If you're reading this, you might have an idea of what I'll be writing about today. Yes, going back the place I call home. To the beautiful island, to the Pearl of Orient, to Penang. And why is that so?

Well, majority of it is because of my health. My skin condition, to be exact. You know what they say about acnes in whichever part of your face meant anything to do with your health? Well, I've got a severe case of acne everywhere, every part (except for my T zone). It has been months already, for me to try and recover from this. My dermatologist said it's because of my hormones and that it ain't about stress since it's the lower part of my face that got affected, but really, I believe stress is also part of this problem. 

I went back to Penang for around 5 days and returned to Singapore on the first week of March. Two days later, my skin went crazy again. It reddened and I feel terribly conscious about myself. Back home, it was better and it recovered but once I continued with the lifestyle here, it was back to square one again. My loved ones were mortified as I sent them my pictures. Worried, they call me to come back and live a more stress-free life. I'd love to. 

As I had mentioned before, studying and working in a foreign country at the same time is very difficult. I had thought it as a life that I can balance well until I started my assignments. Not able to attend lectures, I was lost and unsure of what had to be done upon handing in my assignments. With no guidance at all, come to think of it. I had to do my research and rush to finish it during my break. I truly feel sorry to my colleagues, having to see how stressed and anxious I was the entire week panicking to finish up my questions. The entire time was awful, and it was only one/two weeks ago. 

Feelings of unrest walloped upon me as I thought of the marks I will be receiving from my lecturers. My assignments... they weren't done according to my personal standards. I hope they didn't seem rushed and incomplete. Please, I really didn't want to do them that way anyway. All these excuses are invalid as the documents have been already submitted. What comes forth, I'll receive. Right now, I'm still in need to finish my 2nd assignment. Still, I am somehow unsure of whether the formats, citation and my writing style is right or wrong. 

My education is important. It is. Initially, I wanted to come to this modern city to chase my ambition, which is to fly, live an adventurous life and to explore the world. The chase isn't easy though, nothing is. These few months here helped me to evaluate my dreams and what I really want to do. It also helped me to realize how important it is to really be happy. The statement I struggled with last year was "Money buys happiness. Support this.” and I didn't understand what other people were trying to explain to me when explaining this statement. Living here these months however, taught me a lot of things. I found my answer, and really, coming here was definitely worth it. I'll never ever regret my experience here.

Additionally, I've thought of ways to fly and live the life I want to, in a different perspective. I was totally inspired to widen my horizon and change my lens- my outlook towards certain things- after listening to Pastor A.R Bernard's sermon last month. Look, to fly and to explore the world, I can just purchase an air ticket. To live an adventurous life, I can choose a different career path, there's a variety of occupations that are exciting as well. Therefore, I really should think more openly and not limit myself. You too, alright? Don't ever limit yourself and strive to be whoever you want to as well as chase your dreams. But if it's not working, don't be afraid to move towards a different direction to achieve your goals. There are many ways to go for this. There are so many options of directions to choose from. Believe in yourself and don't have this sunk cost fallacy mindset, alright? 

To end this post, I would like to say that I am certain of returning home and focus on my studies, learn a plethora of things, attend lectures, enjoy my University life, and spend as much time as possible with my love ones. And as for money, I've decided to not worry about it too much. Money can be earned, I concluded, but time and health, it cannot be bought. 

And as much as I like Singapore, I really can't stay here for now. Maybe next time. I'll certainly miss this fine country (get it, fine country? lol nvm), the system, the food, and my friends. When things get better, I'll come back! I promise. I'll try to come back whenever I miss this place ahah. Plus, it's only an hour away from Penang. 

I'll still be here for months, and I will certainly enjoy being here while I can. xx

When growing up, I never fully grasp the meaning of love and what a relationship between a man and woman is truly like. I don't think I've ever seen a whole loving couple before. Okay, so maybe a few...but very little. There are simply too many broken relationships around me, couples breaking up and divorced. The divorce rates of the world kept increasing. Also, my friends who were getting serious with each other in some point, ended up in a separation.

     Wherever I walk, my eyes will automatically travel to young couples. Teenage boys and girls, to be exact. They range between 11-18 years old, mostly. I catch sight of them holding hands, kissing, giving each other hugs and displayed their public affections for each other and I can't help but to question myself if they truly know what love is. Are they simply inexperienced and too young to understand the meaning of true love? Are they only mimicking the actions of adults they see on the telly? What do they perceive their relationship with each other as? Have they thought of their future with each other? Thousands of thoughts swam in my mind as I look at the look on their faces, they looked like they're absolutely in cloud 9.

     I've never been in a relationship before and I've never felt love from another male that is not blood related to me. Honestly, I am curious about the feeling of one's undying love for another. I wonder how a pair of couple can be so comfortable with each other and accept each other’s flaws. From head to toe, how does one accepts another regardless of their imperfection? How does it feel to be accepted although the other knows of your shortcomings? What about the feeling of reading text messages your lover send to you every day and night? Does it feel good? Love... does it mean you're willing to catch a grenade for that person? Please explain to me.

Admittedly, while I question the longevity of their relationships, I still I admire them for their persistence, hope and passion for their love ones. A platonic love, it's sadly beautiful. Never have I liked someone for a long period of time. I don't understand how someone can be emotionally devoted to another. For example, an unrequited love can even last up to more than twenty years, in another word, forever. It truly amaze me, the intensity of their strong liking towards another. Although I like Kpop, I would be attached to a boy group and have one bias for a period of time, but when another new group debuts, I'll detach myself from the previous group and change my bias to the one in the new group. It's as if I am sick of someone if I see them for ages.

      I ponder reasons why I haven't been committed with someone before. Various reasons popped out from my head. One of the assorted reasons is because during my high school years, I've never really have associates outside of our convent school, which meant I have very limited friends of the opposite gender. At the same time, I also thought that we were all schooling and if we were dating, whose money will we spend when going on dates? Our parents’, of course. We still didn't have jobs and really, if you're an unemployed teenage boy that is secretly dating behind your parent's back, let me ask you this, "Did your parent's give you pocket money to spend on the girl you're not sure if you're ever going to last with?".

Next, it was my perception of relationships itself. We were taught in church that dating was only for marriage and vice versa, and we were also taught to start dating only when we are working. That way, we can support ourselves and the significant other as well - and that meant not using your parents’ money and instead, your hard earned money to support for both your future and his/hers. We need to be mature and know what comes forth of the relationship, and not dating merely to pass time. It's true though. A relationship just either ends with a marriage or a break up. I know I shouldn't be close minded and be more open but I can't help but to wonder why people date even though they don't want to commit to another person. Is it thrilling? And when they dump their partner, do they feel delighted? One friend told me dating someone doesn't necessarily means they want to get engaged or married to another. He said "Some people just want to date here and there to know who they're truly looking for", or something like that. I nodded my head when I heard him said that, but still... I can't fully comprehend the meaning of his words. Why would you lead someone on when you don't intend to keep them by your side forever? Have you ever thought of the other's feelings when they found out you're not as devoted to them as they are to you?

Apart from that, I didn't invest much time on getting to know guy friends of other friends as I knew I will be leaving this country sooner or later anyway. Nothing is ever temporary and if I want a long term relationship, we must be working on mutual goals and spending more time with each other, no? Besides, I didn't think I'll be good with LDR before, especially if both of us are in a different country and we're busy as hell. If we're all too occupied settling with our lives, we would be too exhausted at the end of the day and not talk as much, no? I'll try my very best if I somehow am involved in one though. It'll be worth the sacrifice, it'll be worth the effort. Communication is definitely the fundamental aspect of human relationships.

     PDA scares me at times. Noticing it gives me a longing for someone to depend on. Will my feeling of solitary affect me less if I have a man?

     Come to think of it, my ideal type of guy has changed. From flower boys to hard-core rappers to classy men. Have I just grown to a more mature person? But then again, my ideal type of guy doesn't reflect on my maturity. Never mind that.

     Let's get this straight. Being in a relationship doesn't necessarily mean you're happy. Love comes with a price. A price that everyone will experience along the process. It's called Heartache. If you're thinking every BGR(boy girl relationship) ends with a happy ending in a far, far away land, I beg you to differ. I have yet to feel the tightening pain in my chest when having a conflict with my (non-existent) lover, but growing up, I know love ain't all bed and roses. It's far from perfect and perfect love doesn't exist. Once in a while, couples will fight due to the difference of their thoughts. There will be conflicts, and when there is, I do hope they talk it out. Please just appreciate your lover/spouse and learn to settle everything together. Just know that however you argue and fight, that doesn't determine the outcome of your relationship. Good luck to those who are in love.

I myself can't wait to like someone wholeheartedly and to fall for every flaws they hold, and for every perfection they flaunt. Meanwhile, I'll just improve on myself and learn to love myself even more first, before falling for someone and getting attached. It's definitely important for me to be even more emotionally, physically and financially stable in this period of time. Why? Because if you can't learn to love yourself, how can you expect someone to love you? And if you can't learn to take care of yourself, what more can he/she take care of you?

p.s If you're reading this, I hope I don't scare you with my perceptions. I hope I don't come off in a wrong way. Toodles!

Technology Advancement and Peer Pressure

I never knew I would be affected with the thoughts of other people’s opinion on my cell phone. I never thought it would somehow ensue in stress. Living in this first world country, everyone is materialistic. Almost. They drive luxurious cars, carry bags that are worth our college tuition fees, taking selfies with expensive phones/cameras. Let's talk about the phone. 

Never have I once thought of wanting to change my phone this fast. My phone wasn't a problem before so why is it a problem now? A few people around me told me to get a new phone -the iphone6- and stop using mine. Questions like, "When are you going to change your phone?”, "You're still using that?" and "Wah, why your hp so lag, go buy new one." keep coming from their lips. I never gotten a phone for it to simply be an item to boast about. It was just a tool for me to communicate with others, with other useful tools such as my alarm and my camera. So hence, I don't even know why I have to get a newer phone just because of the pressure I'm receiving. 

It's just a phone.

My phone is fine. It's working just fine. 

Sure, I would like to use a more advance technology but I'm not rushing to get a new one. In Singapore, we still have to pay a lot before signing up for the mobile plan. To top it all off, it'll be a 2 years contract that I'll have to commit to get this phone while at the same time staying in Singapore for the entire time. Will that be what I truly want? It's like an unnecessary bond that will get me stuck in this place for two years. Truth be told, up till now, I'm still perplexed with my environment and stressing with having to cope with studies and work at the same time. This makes me confused with whether I still want to sign up for this data plan or just solely purchase the phone back in Penang when I want to change to a new one. Although the data plan will be much more worth it, I would still just use the prepaid one which is cheaper but worth less as I don't want to make any commitment just yet. 

I'm still in a state of unrest due to all the financial and ambitious thoughts, plus a load of commitments. The stress keeps adding up and I have no one to share all these to. I would rather carry all these burden alone than to share it with my loved ones. 

If you're reading this, please don't pressure me into changing my phone, my bags, or just ask me to buy new clothes and eat unreasonably expensive food with you. Unless you're paying, of course (Just kidding I can pay for myself.). Please just let me settle down and give me a peace of mind. Studying psychology really makes me feel psychotic as well.

It's not even funny anymore.

Hi there.

First of all, from the bottom of my heart, I would like to thank all of you for checking whether I've updated my blog or not. :) I didn't actually expect anyone to even read my writings so I'm really thankful.

How has things been going for me a month later? Well, I would say not much changes has been made, mentally. I still miss the warmth of my family and friends. I miss Penang. The food, the people, the culture, everything. Admittedly, I didn't cry this month, not yet, at least. Slowly, I guess I'm starting to get used to this kind of environment.

Every morning, I have to force myself to get up and continue this exhausting routine that wears me out. It's a priority to be patient and understanding towards customers and I must work hard with my colleagues. As if insufficient sleep does not make it not tiring enough, now I have to balance my work and study life as well. And to top that off, it's a degree I'm taking. With such limited time, am I able to ace in my studies? Clasping my hand, I pray that I can pass with flying colours despite my hectic schedule. In a few years’ time, can I achieve my goal of being a post graduate and excel in what I love?

Besides all these, I have this dilemma, something that I have yet to share with my loved ones was that a part of me is still unsure of whether I should be majoring in this or not. I've just started my degree and I can still change my major after this sem as the subjects I am taking now are similar to another course: BAP. I wonder if I should change my major to that as it is more focused and my major right now is wider and more all-rounded. But then everyone now is taking BAP and it's getting more common. Who will employ all these BAP graduates then?

I still have 5 more months to evaluate my decision and think of my major. Please think wisely, my dear.

My mom's worried and she questioned if I can actually cope with studying and working overseas at the same time. She knows of my feelings of stress and isolation as well. I reassure her that I'm fine and that I'll try my very best to balance these two - although I am not doing very well at that. Oh, and additionally, ever since I came to Singapore, I have been attacked with break outs. Yes, those huge pores on my face screaming at me every morning, through the mirror. It's devastating and I had to spend a lot of money on getting help from dermatologist here. Back to the topic, it breaks my heart and I was touched at the same time when mom sent me an audio message, asking me to come back to pursue my degree fully, and not work. How I wish I can just agree to her and stop everything here, pack my luggage and fly back home. To enjoy being at home, eat my favourite rice vermicelli soup, chill with friends at GP and study at SQ, with no big responsibilities. If only life remained as simple as that.

I would absolutely love to do those but it's still too early to go back. I've already come this far and I'm already settled here. My furniture and household items have already been bought. I have a place to stay, work and study. Plus, my dream is here. My dream.

What was my dream again? The mere thoughts of seeing my friends uploading their photos abroad through the social media just stabs me hard in my heart. My mind goes blank when I thought of where they are and where I am right now. Can things just go my way for once? And my problematic skin condition right now just pulls my confidence down. I refuse to cover my face with makeup everyday as it will worsen my skin. With the help of this doctor, I hope my skin improves faster, before the forever-unannounced interviews.

It occurs to me why I feel uncomfortable when I see photos of them flying here and there. Not that I am particularly disturbed by their joy and happiness but I am honestly wondering what I am doing with my life right now. Am I wasting my youth away with this empty dream? Maybe it's theirs and not mine, however I want it to be. Sometimes, what you want is not for you, it's other's vision and it's not yours. I remember in my previous post, I mentioned about these thoughts. It's difficult to decide on whether I should give up or to keep keeping on.

So much effort and time invested in pursuing this and I'm so lost. If I give up going for this, will I regret? Will my effort and time be wasted? All these confusions I cannot articulate through words. Can anyone else relate to this matter? Sealing my own fate, how will that be possible?

Life is so unfathomable.

Please take away all my pain, my sorrow and my ever longing desire to fly.

Take me to somewhere foreign, to somewhere further from reality.


This is usable. This is useable.

Moving to another country alone was something I've always wanted to do, but it takes a lot of courage to do so. It's totally different from living with my family as I have to take care of my own space and manage my own savings. Cash in, cash out. All this worries me and I'm somehow anxious when I think of what necessity I have to spend on. Think about it, rental, phone bills, transportation fees, food, household items, clothes, everything. Time plays an important role that I have to manage, such as waking up earlier to take the public transport instead of driving, and time to clean my own space etc.

Whenever I face difficulties here, whether mentally or physically, I keep holding it in. All those emotions. No complaining, no ranting, no voicing them out to anyone. Except to my bestf of course, but she's an exception. Two days ago, I was feeling slightly frustrated when I saw customers making it hard for everyone with their actions. However, I remind myself that I shouldn't be feeling negatively as I've chosen this path. "It's a step of maturity," I'll tell myself, "Brace." Imagine the chest-tightening moment I felt when I thought of what I've left behind to pursue this harsh path… but I won't turn back. I'll keep looking forward and continue to climb the ladder of independence and success. God is with me. He's with me.

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Moreover, I am really careful when befriending new faces in a place that has countless of unfamiliar people. As time passes by, I became less amiable to strangers and more circumspect with them. I'm not sure if it's just my changing personality or if it's because I want a new start, or both, but a part of me is afraid I'll associate myself with emotional vampires. Nobody wants to be with takers and insincere people, and neither do I.

Life has taught me to be more on guard with associates. Bad relationships ruin people's lives and it's crucial for us to trust the right people. It has been a while since I settled in Singapore and I've already regretted spilling beans to a few people. Not being smart enough, I've said some things to them about me that is sensitive and I'm really starting to reflect on my choices of words. Not knowing if they're truly trustworthy and sincere, all I can do is just cross my fingers, hope and pray they're as nice as they seem to be. Please, oh please, I pray that these people I call friends can be true confidants. I've met a lots of different people and I'm trying my best to avoid being too close with those who wears me out. Hitherto, everything makes me dubious of people's intention. Tell me, is this good or bad?

In a nutshell, living abroad and starting over might sound nice, and we always think the grass is greener on the other side, but it's not as nice as you think. It's a misconception. Change is not easy but it's definitely worth it when you step out of your comfort zone. At least you're not stuck inside that tiny box. It leaves no space for growth.

I can't believe I'm already experiencing all these within such a short time. I'm trying my very best to keep holding on and be a responsible adult. Will update you guys on my life.

John 16:33

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

I miss home very, very much. Never have I once thought my emotions would be as strong as this. It's funny, really, the fact that I wanted to leave Penang so badly to go somewhere else, to explore and expand my horizon. After taking a huge step and receiving support from my friends and family, I'm finally here, staying in Singapore.

A week has gone by and I'm being more lethargic in The Lion City. Yesterday, after receiving lovely messages from my mom and big brother, I felt like breaking down. Tears were threatening to spill from my eyes and I kept trying to brace myself. Another message popped up again.

And that's when it happened, warm tears rolled down my cheeks. Unintentionally, I kept crying in front of CY when we were both taking a break. She asked me what happened and if I was feeling alright, but not a single answer came forth as I didn't want my voice to break in my sentence. For a moment there, I completely immerse myself in my emotions, silently. I miss home. I miss all of you. Why must I leave all of you there to come and face difficulties here, alone?

I'm lonely. I've never felt so alone before. Sadness worms its way into me as I was searching for a way to arrive at my new house. Struggling to figure a way there on my own, I grew tired and felt helpless, as if there's no one to lean on.

Looking back, I had been very close with my mama and every single day, I would rant to her and tell her what lovely things I had encountered that day. Thinking about her really hurts. I missed everything about her. Even at this very moment, I have a strong urge to spill to her what happened here and what I really feel about my life here. However, I would have to just hold it in. If I were to tell her all this, she would definitely feel worried and uneasy. She would want me to come back, do what I wanted and be happy.

I must suck it up and grow up.

"You're no longer a big girl. You're turning 20." I remembered my elder brother reminding me earlier this year.

Brooding alone was what I liked to do, but now, I don't feel like being by myself anymore. For the time being, at least. When I have any thoughts about escaping from this place and returning to Penang Island, I constantly tell myself to not be doleful and instead be more ebullient because I'm… well, finally here. This was where I wanted to be since earlier this year. Yes, this place.

Long story short, although I really wanted to embrace my loved ones back home, I've processed my thoughts of being here for a little while longer. Maybe a few months, or by next year, hopefully, I would be used to this place. The decision have been decided and if I were to cancel all these plans I've made, it would be extremely selfish. I can't do that.

Besides, I've not learnt enough yet. My horizons haven't been widen that much yet. I want to return home with more knowledge and experiences. Stay strong Abby, you can do this. Keep praying and remember there's nothing impossible with your strong and mighty Father God. I'll try my absolute best to keep smiling and be courageous in this foreign place.

Goodnight, I better not over-think.  It'll be better if I stop bawling. Bye!

*blowing my nose and wiping my tears away*


“Sometimes you just have to be brave. You have to be strong. Sometimes you just can’t give in to weak thoughts. You have to beat down those devils that get inside your head and try to make you panic. You struggle along, putting one foot a little bit ahead of the other.”
—  James Marsdeni

I think having an alone time is crucial for everyone. Why? Because it's a given opportunity to discover who you really are.

“We need solitude, because when we're alone, we're free from obligations, we don't need to put on a show, and we can hear our own thoughts.”
― Tamim Ansary

To be honest, I feel like people around me are sucking the life out of me. Here, I'm not talking about my close friends and bffs, I'm talking about my mates, colleagues and all that. Sometimes, when I hang out with my classmates/ just mates, I feel as if my mind is not there. Sure, my physical self is sitting in front of them but they don't have my full attention. It wasn't like that for me last year. It's just... lately.

Recently, I feel like I've withdrawn myself from the rest of the world and my 'battery' has not been charging. I have been minimizing my need for external validation and wanting to recuperate from the many stress factors.

I remember telling my friends I needed to spend time alone and one of them said I was an 'emo' person. I beg to differ. It doesn't necessarily means I want to be an outcast or whatever, it just means I think differently. My life should be balanced, not all the time I have to be out with other people. Solitude is vital to me as well. It did me good. It shows, because I feel more independent now, compared to last time.

I've changed. Previously, I was more of an extravert. Going out with new people, being more expressive, and when I was out with them, I usually does the most talking. Striking up a conversation with strangers wasn't exactly a problem for me as well. Now though, it's different. I don't have the want or feel like I have the need to be more initiative with something first. More laid back, I would say.

Also, compared to last time, I have the ability to eat alone in public, presently. I don't even care about the stares and attention of other people. All I think of was that I wanted to restore myself when I'm alone.

I strongly believe solitude did me a lot of good and allowed me to reboot my own thoughts and unwind. My brain needs a chance to rest and replenish itself, and always being out there doesn't do wonders. Solitude also provided me time to think deeply about things that are of importance to me. Since daily responsibilities, goals and commitments can stress me out and make my life dull, this constant motion of being in my own world allows me to feel more relaxed as I engage in my own deep thought.

Aside from that, being isolated from others also allowed me to meditate on my own values. It helps me to prioritize my love for myself and what's truly important for me, like my dreams and visions, or even my hobbies. and in the same time,

Spending so much of your free time with others may be taking too much time away from other things you consider priorities. I find it to be congruent to read novels, write, or just sipping on hot chocolate in Starbucks all alone, while thinking about my goals.. Spending so much time going out with others actually distract my priorities.

A couple of days ago, I felt concerned about my own personality changing, so I did a few studies about my own feelings and the situation I was currently. I then found out I'm still an extravert! Thank goodness.

About.com  

Introverts, on the other hand, are people who are low in extraversion. They tend to be quiet, reserved and less involved in social situations. It is important to note that introversion and shyness are not the same thing. People low in extraversion are not afraid of social situations, they simply prefer to spend more time alone and do not need as much social stimulation.

And there you have it. If you're feeling the way I am right now, don't worry. We're just people low in extraversion, but still am an extravert. Just not so much of being one.

Whatever that is, I honestly believe both introverts and extraverts should strive to understand each other's differences and similarities. All in all, I believe everyone needs time to be alone. Set your own schedule and find your true self. It's really helpful, and I assure you that by doing this, you will gain strength.

Of course, I'm not saying you should exclude yourself from being a social butterfly, but know that, it would be really great to be perfectly content, and to just lay on your soft couch and have a cup of hot tea while reading a magazine. Allowing yourself to recharge is certainly helpful.

I have to be alone very often. I'd be quite happy if I spent from Saturday night until Monday morning alone in my apartment. That's how I refuel.
- Audrey Hepburn

Only a weak person needed someone else around all the time.
- Sarah Dessen