I miss home very, very much. Never have I once thought my emotions would be as strong as this. It's funny, really, the fact that I wanted to leave Penang so badly to go somewhere else, to explore and expand my horizon. After taking a huge step and receiving support from my friends and family, I'm finally here, staying in Singapore.

A week has gone by and I'm being more lethargic in The Lion City. Yesterday, after receiving lovely messages from my mom and big brother, I felt like breaking down. Tears were threatening to spill from my eyes and I kept trying to brace myself. Another message popped up again.

And that's when it happened, warm tears rolled down my cheeks. Unintentionally, I kept crying in front of CY when we were both taking a break. She asked me what happened and if I was feeling alright, but not a single answer came forth as I didn't want my voice to break in my sentence. For a moment there, I completely immerse myself in my emotions, silently. I miss home. I miss all of you. Why must I leave all of you there to come and face difficulties here, alone?

I'm lonely. I've never felt so alone before. Sadness worms its way into me as I was searching for a way to arrive at my new house. Struggling to figure a way there on my own, I grew tired and felt helpless, as if there's no one to lean on.

Looking back, I had been very close with my mama and every single day, I would rant to her and tell her what lovely things I had encountered that day. Thinking about her really hurts. I missed everything about her. Even at this very moment, I have a strong urge to spill to her what happened here and what I really feel about my life here. However, I would have to just hold it in. If I were to tell her all this, she would definitely feel worried and uneasy. She would want me to come back, do what I wanted and be happy.

I must suck it up and grow up.

"You're no longer a big girl. You're turning 20." I remembered my elder brother reminding me earlier this year.

Brooding alone was what I liked to do, but now, I don't feel like being by myself anymore. For the time being, at least. When I have any thoughts about escaping from this place and returning to Penang Island, I constantly tell myself to not be doleful and instead be more ebullient because I'm… well, finally here. This was where I wanted to be since earlier this year. Yes, this place.

Long story short, although I really wanted to embrace my loved ones back home, I've processed my thoughts of being here for a little while longer. Maybe a few months, or by next year, hopefully, I would be used to this place. The decision have been decided and if I were to cancel all these plans I've made, it would be extremely selfish. I can't do that.

Besides, I've not learnt enough yet. My horizons haven't been widen that much yet. I want to return home with more knowledge and experiences. Stay strong Abby, you can do this. Keep praying and remember there's nothing impossible with your strong and mighty Father God. I'll try my absolute best to keep smiling and be courageous in this foreign place.

Goodnight, I better not over-think.  It'll be better if I stop bawling. Bye!

*blowing my nose and wiping my tears away*


“Sometimes you just have to be brave. You have to be strong. Sometimes you just can’t give in to weak thoughts. You have to beat down those devils that get inside your head and try to make you panic. You struggle along, putting one foot a little bit ahead of the other.”
—  James Marsdeni