When growing up, I never fully grasp the meaning of love and what a relationship between a man and woman is truly like. I don't think I've ever seen a whole loving couple before. Okay, so maybe a few...but very little. There are simply too many broken relationships around me, couples breaking up and divorced. The divorce rates of the world kept increasing. Also, my friends who were getting serious with each other in some point, ended up in a separation.

     Wherever I walk, my eyes will automatically travel to young couples. Teenage boys and girls, to be exact. They range between 11-18 years old, mostly. I catch sight of them holding hands, kissing, giving each other hugs and displayed their public affections for each other and I can't help but to question myself if they truly know what love is. Are they simply inexperienced and too young to understand the meaning of true love? Are they only mimicking the actions of adults they see on the telly? What do they perceive their relationship with each other as? Have they thought of their future with each other? Thousands of thoughts swam in my mind as I look at the look on their faces, they looked like they're absolutely in cloud 9.

     I've never been in a relationship before and I've never felt love from another male that is not blood related to me. Honestly, I am curious about the feeling of one's undying love for another. I wonder how a pair of couple can be so comfortable with each other and accept each other’s flaws. From head to toe, how does one accepts another regardless of their imperfection? How does it feel to be accepted although the other knows of your shortcomings? What about the feeling of reading text messages your lover send to you every day and night? Does it feel good? Love... does it mean you're willing to catch a grenade for that person? Please explain to me.

Admittedly, while I question the longevity of their relationships, I still I admire them for their persistence, hope and passion for their love ones. A platonic love, it's sadly beautiful. Never have I liked someone for a long period of time. I don't understand how someone can be emotionally devoted to another. For example, an unrequited love can even last up to more than twenty years, in another word, forever. It truly amaze me, the intensity of their strong liking towards another. Although I like Kpop, I would be attached to a boy group and have one bias for a period of time, but when another new group debuts, I'll detach myself from the previous group and change my bias to the one in the new group. It's as if I am sick of someone if I see them for ages.

      I ponder reasons why I haven't been committed with someone before. Various reasons popped out from my head. One of the assorted reasons is because during my high school years, I've never really have associates outside of our convent school, which meant I have very limited friends of the opposite gender. At the same time, I also thought that we were all schooling and if we were dating, whose money will we spend when going on dates? Our parents’, of course. We still didn't have jobs and really, if you're an unemployed teenage boy that is secretly dating behind your parent's back, let me ask you this, "Did your parent's give you pocket money to spend on the girl you're not sure if you're ever going to last with?".

Next, it was my perception of relationships itself. We were taught in church that dating was only for marriage and vice versa, and we were also taught to start dating only when we are working. That way, we can support ourselves and the significant other as well - and that meant not using your parents’ money and instead, your hard earned money to support for both your future and his/hers. We need to be mature and know what comes forth of the relationship, and not dating merely to pass time. It's true though. A relationship just either ends with a marriage or a break up. I know I shouldn't be close minded and be more open but I can't help but to wonder why people date even though they don't want to commit to another person. Is it thrilling? And when they dump their partner, do they feel delighted? One friend told me dating someone doesn't necessarily means they want to get engaged or married to another. He said "Some people just want to date here and there to know who they're truly looking for", or something like that. I nodded my head when I heard him said that, but still... I can't fully comprehend the meaning of his words. Why would you lead someone on when you don't intend to keep them by your side forever? Have you ever thought of the other's feelings when they found out you're not as devoted to them as they are to you?

Apart from that, I didn't invest much time on getting to know guy friends of other friends as I knew I will be leaving this country sooner or later anyway. Nothing is ever temporary and if I want a long term relationship, we must be working on mutual goals and spending more time with each other, no? Besides, I didn't think I'll be good with LDR before, especially if both of us are in a different country and we're busy as hell. If we're all too occupied settling with our lives, we would be too exhausted at the end of the day and not talk as much, no? I'll try my very best if I somehow am involved in one though. It'll be worth the sacrifice, it'll be worth the effort. Communication is definitely the fundamental aspect of human relationships.

     PDA scares me at times. Noticing it gives me a longing for someone to depend on. Will my feeling of solitary affect me less if I have a man?

     Come to think of it, my ideal type of guy has changed. From flower boys to hard-core rappers to classy men. Have I just grown to a more mature person? But then again, my ideal type of guy doesn't reflect on my maturity. Never mind that.

     Let's get this straight. Being in a relationship doesn't necessarily mean you're happy. Love comes with a price. A price that everyone will experience along the process. It's called Heartache. If you're thinking every BGR(boy girl relationship) ends with a happy ending in a far, far away land, I beg you to differ. I have yet to feel the tightening pain in my chest when having a conflict with my (non-existent) lover, but growing up, I know love ain't all bed and roses. It's far from perfect and perfect love doesn't exist. Once in a while, couples will fight due to the difference of their thoughts. There will be conflicts, and when there is, I do hope they talk it out. Please just appreciate your lover/spouse and learn to settle everything together. Just know that however you argue and fight, that doesn't determine the outcome of your relationship. Good luck to those who are in love.

I myself can't wait to like someone wholeheartedly and to fall for every flaws they hold, and for every perfection they flaunt. Meanwhile, I'll just improve on myself and learn to love myself even more first, before falling for someone and getting attached. It's definitely important for me to be even more emotionally, physically and financially stable in this period of time. Why? Because if you can't learn to love yourself, how can you expect someone to love you? And if you can't learn to take care of yourself, what more can he/she take care of you?

p.s If you're reading this, I hope I don't scare you with my perceptions. I hope I don't come off in a wrong way. Toodles!