Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Hi there.

First of all, from the bottom of my heart, I would like to thank all of you for checking whether I've updated my blog or not. :) I didn't actually expect anyone to even read my writings so I'm really thankful.

How has things been going for me a month later? Well, I would say not much changes has been made, mentally. I still miss the warmth of my family and friends. I miss Penang. The food, the people, the culture, everything. Admittedly, I didn't cry this month, not yet, at least. Slowly, I guess I'm starting to get used to this kind of environment.

Every morning, I have to force myself to get up and continue this exhausting routine that wears me out. It's a priority to be patient and understanding towards customers and I must work hard with my colleagues. As if insufficient sleep does not make it not tiring enough, now I have to balance my work and study life as well. And to top that off, it's a degree I'm taking. With such limited time, am I able to ace in my studies? Clasping my hand, I pray that I can pass with flying colours despite my hectic schedule. In a few years’ time, can I achieve my goal of being a post graduate and excel in what I love?

Besides all these, I have this dilemma, something that I have yet to share with my loved ones was that a part of me is still unsure of whether I should be majoring in this or not. I've just started my degree and I can still change my major after this sem as the subjects I am taking now are similar to another course: BAP. I wonder if I should change my major to that as it is more focused and my major right now is wider and more all-rounded. But then everyone now is taking BAP and it's getting more common. Who will employ all these BAP graduates then?

I still have 5 more months to evaluate my decision and think of my major. Please think wisely, my dear.

My mom's worried and she questioned if I can actually cope with studying and working overseas at the same time. She knows of my feelings of stress and isolation as well. I reassure her that I'm fine and that I'll try my very best to balance these two - although I am not doing very well at that. Oh, and additionally, ever since I came to Singapore, I have been attacked with break outs. Yes, those huge pores on my face screaming at me every morning, through the mirror. It's devastating and I had to spend a lot of money on getting help from dermatologist here. Back to the topic, it breaks my heart and I was touched at the same time when mom sent me an audio message, asking me to come back to pursue my degree fully, and not work. How I wish I can just agree to her and stop everything here, pack my luggage and fly back home. To enjoy being at home, eat my favourite rice vermicelli soup, chill with friends at GP and study at SQ, with no big responsibilities. If only life remained as simple as that.

I would absolutely love to do those but it's still too early to go back. I've already come this far and I'm already settled here. My furniture and household items have already been bought. I have a place to stay, work and study. Plus, my dream is here. My dream.

What was my dream again? The mere thoughts of seeing my friends uploading their photos abroad through the social media just stabs me hard in my heart. My mind goes blank when I thought of where they are and where I am right now. Can things just go my way for once? And my problematic skin condition right now just pulls my confidence down. I refuse to cover my face with makeup everyday as it will worsen my skin. With the help of this doctor, I hope my skin improves faster, before the forever-unannounced interviews.

It occurs to me why I feel uncomfortable when I see photos of them flying here and there. Not that I am particularly disturbed by their joy and happiness but I am honestly wondering what I am doing with my life right now. Am I wasting my youth away with this empty dream? Maybe it's theirs and not mine, however I want it to be. Sometimes, what you want is not for you, it's other's vision and it's not yours. I remember in my previous post, I mentioned about these thoughts. It's difficult to decide on whether I should give up or to keep keeping on.

So much effort and time invested in pursuing this and I'm so lost. If I give up going for this, will I regret? Will my effort and time be wasted? All these confusions I cannot articulate through words. Can anyone else relate to this matter? Sealing my own fate, how will that be possible?

Life is so unfathomable.

Please take away all my pain, my sorrow and my ever longing desire to fly.

Take me to somewhere foreign, to somewhere further from reality.

This is usable. This is useable.

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About Me

I'm Abby Ooi and I was born in Penang Island in 1995. Currently, I'm residing in Singapore. A degree pursuer, traveller, and a croissant addict. Family is paramount in my life.